someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Where did you get a picture of my penis
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
