allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize
