At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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