im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
