How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
