True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
