Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
