Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
