At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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