I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
