Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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