No awkward lesbian experiences without me
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
