So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
