So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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