He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
