I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Drunk is a universal language darling
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
