How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
