Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
