Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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