I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Dick very happy bro
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
