He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
