I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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