Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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