so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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