I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
