I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
