I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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