You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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