the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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