Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
