I feel great
I just peed on a car
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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