Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
