How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
