The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
did i just pee glitter
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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