Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
