I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
