Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
No...this little piggys going to the bar
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
