Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Randomize
