I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
