tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
