i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
