shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
