he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
