Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
