I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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