Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
