Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
