Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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