I faked an abortion last night.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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