I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
