did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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