i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
