He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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